The Song dynasty was the richest dynasty in Chinese history. How did they get so rich? They basically spent all their points maxing out the economics tech tree. But everyone else around them was going for a military victory. So what’s the point of such high GDP? To pay off their enemies, of course.
They also couldn’t convert its GDP into military prowess, thanks to the Jeff Bezos system. Some ministers noticed this and proposed reforms. Some other ministers resisted the reforms fiercely. It turned into a faction war. The reforms included: promoting meritocracy, dismissing unqualified officials, asking more practical questions in imperial exams, and introducing Obamacare. Then the next faction would come to power and abolish everything.
A 10-year-old boy became the next emperor. He was too young to rule, so his grandma did it for him. Like most boomers, the grandma didn’t care about Obamacare. So she abolished all the reforms. She also chose conservative teachers for the boy. Reform is bad, reform is bad, reform is bad. That’s the only thing they taught him. The boy was angry. He thought the boomers were ruining the economy for younger generations. But he had no power, so he didn’t say anything.
After his grandma died, he finally exploded. He restored all the reforms and demoted all the conservative officials to remote areas. Because Yes We Can. He had ideas and passion, but his health was poor. Maybe it was the daily avocado toast. Then he died in his early twenties. Since he had no sons, his younger brother, Zhao Ji, succeeded him.
Zhao Ji was a polymath. He was a great calligrapher. Had he been born in nineteenth-century France, he might have rivaled Monet as a painter. Had he been born in Argentina, he could have been the next Maradona. But Zhao Ji was born in Song dynasty China. As the emperor.
He didn’t know how to run an empire. But he still dreamed about taking back the natural Great Wall thing. Then, breaking news: someone called Aguda or Agoda was beating the Khitans left and right. So He secretly sent people to contact this rising Jurchen superstar. They formed an alliance to destroy the Khitans together. The terms were: Song would take back the piece of land, and the Jurchens would take everything else.
The war began. The Song army fought bravely like how the Italians fought bravely in World War Two. The Jurchens invaded from the north and took out 95% of the Khitans’ HP. Song invaded from the south and lost to the 5%. Then the Jurchens finished the job themselves. After the war, they handed Song a few empty cities out of pity. Zhao Ji was overjoyed. He threw a great party to celebrate the achievement.
The next thing you know, the Jurchens invaded Song. I’m shocked. Shocked to find that the Jurchens were invading. Zhao Ji made his son the emperor and fled. His son also wanted to flee, but a minister said no, let’s stay and defend the city together. They succeeded somehow, and the emperor immediately dismissed the minister and disbanded the army.
Then Zhao Ji came back, thinking it was safe. Aaaaand the Jurchens invaded a second time. Now he couldn’t run away anymore. The Jurchens were outside the capital. What do you do? A dude stepped forward and said, I can transform beans into divine soldiers. Just give me 7,777 men, and I can win this battle. I’m pretty sure the 7,777 thing is some sort of Final Fantasy VII cheat code. Not sure how it works in real life.
They opened the city gates. The beans did not turn into divine soldiers. The Jurchens entered. Hi, we’d like to order two emperors, all the princes, the concubines, and the ministers to go, please.