While the Ming emperor was busy collecting period blood to create immortality pills, the Europeans were doing something less fancy. Magellan’s crew sailed all the way around the world. Copernicus published De revolutionibus orbium coelestium. The French invented the flintlock gun.
The next emperor had no interest in immortality pills. He had great interest in aphrodisiac pills, though. He seldom attended the morning court sessions. Instead, he stayed in the harem most of the time. He told his ministers, I couldn’t come to work because my foot hurt. He died shortly after ascending the throne. Presumably of a foot-related illness.
The Ming dynasty didn’t have prime ministers. The position had been abolished by the beggar founder. But someone still had to do the work, so they created a new title: not-prime-minister. While the emperor was dealing with his foot problem in the harem, the not-PM, Mr. Zhang, was doing all the actual work. So unexpectedly, the Ming dynasty was doing quite well.
Mr. Zhang then became the teacher of the next emperor, Zhu Yijun. He was very strict and scolded Zhu Yijun often. When Zhu Yijun wanted to celebrate the Lantern Festival, Mr. Zhang said no, too expensive. When he wanted new clothes, Mr. Zhang said no, too expensive. Meanwhile, Mr. Zhang’s personal carriage had its own living room, bedroom, and even toilet. His meals usually consisted of hundreds of dishes, and he was so picky that he only touched two or three.
So Zhu Yijun grew up and killed Mr. Zhang for corruption. He thought killing Mr. Zhang would put an end to all the scoldings, but the other officials still scolded him. Cut off one head, two more shall take its place. So Zhu Yijun went on strike. First he stopped attending the morning court session. Then he stopped doing anything at all. For thirty years.
Zhu Yijun’s son speedran the aphrodisiac pills storyline and died in a month. If you recall, back in the Han dynasty, they were still able to return an emperor after 27 days. Now this one just died after 30. You can’t even get a refund. The dropshippers were getting good at this scam.
Eunuchs in the Ming dynasty couldn’t hold political power. They’d been banned from politics by the beggar founder. But the eunuchs still managed to find a loophole. If they were close to the emperor, the emperor would delegate power to them. After the speedrunner died, the throne passed to his carpenter son. This emperor could create miniature models of the palace with intricate detail and even invented a foldable bed. Every time he was focused on his woodwork, a eunuch would come to him and ask questions. The carpenter tapped his do-not-disturb sign and said, handle it yourself. Don’t make me tap the sign again. The eunuch became the actual emperor.
The carpenter died without a son, so his brother Zhu Youjian became emperor. The first thing he did was kill the powerful eunuch. The people praised him for this, and he thought he was the savior. He started thinking he was never wrong. He understood the empire was in bad shape, so he worked hard to save it. He was so hardworking that he changed 20 not-PMs and killed dozens of defense ministers. During his time, minister was the most dangerous job in the world.
Then the Jurchens invaded. Wait, Jurchens? Didn’t their empire get destroyed by the Mongols? Yes, but the Jurchen empire struck back. Zhu Youjian appointed a new minister to defend the border. The Ming needed some firepower, so they salvaged the cannons from Portuguese ships. (Those cannons were invented during the 30-year strike.) They didn’t know how to manufacture or operate them, so they hired westerners. In the next battle, they managed to wound the Jurchen leader. This is why you don’t bring a knife to a gun fight.
The next Jurchen leader framed the minister as a traitor, and Zhu Youjian fell for it. This is why you don’t bring a gun to an intelligence fight. The minister was sliced to death like a salami. Even the regular people believed he was a traitor. They rushed to buy the slices and eat them.
At this time, the famine in the Ming empire became more serious, and rebellions became harder to put down. When the rebel army captured the capital, he could’ve run away. Founded another later Ming or whatever dynasty. But he didn’t want to. He chose to hang himself. Because he thought it wasn’t him who was wrong. It was the world.