The British won the war. I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise.
Their metal warships could sail in any direction regardless of wind. The Qing was still using wooden rowboats. The British cannons outranged everything the Qing had. The Qing didn’t even have an accurate map of their own country. One Qing general proposed using toilet bowls to defend against the foreign sorcery. Sorcery? Yep, even after losing, the Qing still thought they’d lost to sorcery, not technology. It was the most humiliating day of the Qing dynasty. Actually, the most humiliating day so far.
The French and the Americans saw Britain’s victory and said, hey, you’ve had enough fun, it’s our turn. They also came to China with their warships. The Qing didn’t have the energy to fight, so they just signed contracts and paid money. The emperor had saved up his whole life, only to have to fork over millions. He cried on his deathbed, saying he was ashamed to meet his ancestors. He died without knowing where Britain was.
His son Yizhu took over the throne. That same year, the largest rebellion in Chinese history broke out. This was different from your garden-variety peasant rebellion. Because they were led by the (alleged) younger brother of Jesus Christ. They conquered half of China and weren’t put down until Yizhu’s death.
While Yizhu was fighting the rebellion, guess who came back. Britain was back, and they’d brought their French friend this time. They captured Beijing. Yizhu signed a worse contract and paid more money. After that, he gave up on everything. Why even fight? What’s the point? When he died, he split power among 8 ministers and his 2 wives. One of those wives, Cixi, would eventually become the final boss of the Qing. She planned a coup, killed the 8 ministers, and the 2 empress dowagers ruled through their son.
After all these wars, the Qing finally realized one thing: there was no hope of winning wars against the foreigners. But if you behaved, if you listened to them, they wouldn’t kill you. They just wanted to make money. So the Qing opened their first foreign ministry and cooperated with the foreigners. In turn, the foreigners helped them squash the rebellions. They also finally realized that what had beaten them wasn’t sorcery. It was technology. And technology was learnable. So they sent ministers to Europe and America to study, and they came back and formed the first westernized navy.
Then one of the empress dowagers (hint: not Cixi) died mysteriously. Cixi got her first taste of absolute power. Her first puppet emperor had already died, so she picked her nephew as the new one. She wanted to do a very urgent, very important thing: celebrate her 60th birthday. So she took the funding meant for the navy and used it to rebuild the imperial garden. Her lifestyle became more and more extravagant. Every time she took a bath, she needed hundreds of towels embroidered with golden dragons. One towel, one wipe. She liked the smell of apples, so they bought hundreds of thousands of apples every year. Mostly for display.
The Qing thought they were recovering. But they were Wile E. Coyote running past the edge of a cliff, and they were about to look down. The Japanese attacked, and the Qing sent their westernized navy to defend. Hold on, something wasn’t right. Why was the navy so weak? Oh, right. The funding went to the garden. The Qing were forced to sign yet another crappy contract and pay hundreds of millions.
Around this time, a group of snake oil salesmen claimed they were invulnerable and wanted to help the Qing destroy the foreigners. Cixi believed them and declared war on 11 countries. The countries shrugged and said, well, you’re asking for it this time. They formed an alliance, sang a happy song, and breezed through Beijing. A few years later, Cixi died. The day before she died, the puppet emperor also died mysteriously.
Three-year-old Puyi ascended the throne. He cried at the ceremony, and his dad said, hush hush, it will be over soon. Three years later, Sun Wen’s rebellion overthrew the Qing dynasty. It really was over soon. The rebels allowed Puyi to temporarily stay in the palace. The outside was in a different era, but the inside was still Qing. The eunuchs still kowtowed to him.
In 1924, he was ordered to leave the palace within 3 hours. He walked out of the Forbidden City, not knowing where to go. He was 18, and this was the first time he breathed in the air of a new China.
(fin)