Cao Cao was famous for his fetish for other people’s wives. One time, after an enemy surrendered, he took the guy’s aunt as his concubine. The enemy felt humiliated and rebelled again after surrendering. The rebellion cost Cao Cao his eldest son, his nephew, and a great general. Cao Cao himself was heavily wounded and barely escaped. He still didn’t break the habit.
Another person who shared the same fetish was Guan Yu. During the battle of Xiapi, Guan Yu told Cao Cao, after we win, I’d like to marry this guy’s wife. The next day, Guan Yu reminded him of the same thing. The next day too. Cao Cao eventually got curious, just how beautiful was this woman? After checking in person, Cao Cao decided to take her for himself. Guan Yu never forgave him for that.
People at the time called Sun Ce “little Xiang Yu”, because he was just as good at warfare and just as bad at politics. His boss Yuan Shu kept giving him impossible tasks. Yuan Shu said, I give you 5,000 men, go kill this guy for me. And Sun Ce did. Yuan Shu said, I give you 1,000 men, go kill that guy. And Sun Ce did. Yuan Shu then said, I give you this inflatable tube man, go kill the other guy. And Sun Ce did. Later he resigned, brought 1,000 weak soldiers and a few horses, beat three different warlords with them, and established the state of Wu.
Now let’s do a quick myth buster. Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei were not sworn brothers. But Liu Bei did sleep with them. He slept with Zhao Yun too. Later, when Liu Bei grew closer to Zhuge Liang, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei even got jealous. Their relationship was certainly… very intimate. Liu Bei spent most of his life running away and seeking refuge. And as he ran, somehow more and more people followed him, like Forrest Gump. He was also a skilled scammer. He once told Sun Quan he needed to borrow a piece of land for a little while, he’d give it back soon. Sun Quan said OK. Then Sun Quan even offered to marry off his sister to sweeten the deal. Liu Bei took the land, took the sister, and ghosted him.
But the biggest victim of his scams was Liu Zhang. When Liu Zhang invited him to help fight an enemy, Liu Zhang personally traveled hundreds of miles to meet Liu Bei. He gave Liu Bei rice, warhorses, silk, and a large amount of military supplies. Enough to sustain an army for several years. He even gave Liu Bei the command of the gateway to Shu. Liu Bei took the supplies but did not attack. Later, he attacked Liu Zhang instead and seized the Shu land for himself.
Zhuge Liang was the smartest person in the Three Kingdoms period. When Liu Bei tried to recruit him, he played hard to get. Liu Bei finally met him on his third attempt. Zhuge Liang laid out a grand plan. Basically: Cao Cao is too powerful, you can’t touch this. Sun Quan is too powerful, you can’t touch this. Go pick up the leftovers and call it a day. This was apparently the most genius plan of the era. Zhuge Liang spent a lot of time explaining it. Liu Bei then replied with a single word: cool. They still became partners.
After Cao Cao conquered northern China, he marched south. That was the Battle of Chi Bi. Yes, the one with the famous fire attack. Well, the fire was real, but that’s not where the main damage came from. They were fighting on water, remember? The actual reason for Cao Cao’s defeat was the Coronavirus. Covid-209. And Cao Cao burned his own ships before retreating. The victory didn’t matter much anyway. Wei still controlled 70% of the population. Chi Bi was merely a setback.
A few years later, Liu Bei died shortly after a devastating defeat. Shu was at its weakest and in no shape to attack anyone. So Zhuge Liang attacked Wei. And he did it five times. Genius. The biggest problem he faced was logistics. Shu didn’t have enough food. More soldiers require more food. The supply troops also need food. It’s basically the rocket equation. And Zhuge Liang’s solution was… the wheelbarrow. Remember Liu Bang and his three-man founding team? Liu Bei didn’t have that. So Zhuge Liang had to work two jobs. He was the strategist and the logistics guy. When he attacked Wei, he became the general as well. Then he died of overworking.
Zhuge Liang’s biggest rival was Sima Yi. Sima Yi was just as smart as him. Zhuge Liang attacked? He did nothing. Zhuge Liang sent him women’s clothing to humiliate him? He did nothing. The whole world was laughing at him for being afraid of Zhuge Liang? He did nothing. Cao Shuang stripped him of all his military power? He did nothing. He did so much nothing that all his enemies died of old age. Eventually his grandson usurped the Wei throne and reunited China.