Li Yuan was an indecisive man. When the Sui dynasty was in chaos, he didn’t make any move. One night, his son Li Shimin got him drunk and arranged for two of the Sui emperor’s palace maids to sleep with him. The next day, Li Yuan woke up. His men told him, you just committed treason. Then he said, oh… actually, I’ve been pissed off at the emperor for ages.
So he started a rebellion, succeeded, and founded the Tang dynasty. Li Shimin was very capable, but he wasn’t the eldest son. He couldn’t be the crown prince. So one day, Li Shimin schemed and killed his elder brother. People reported it to Li Yuan. And he said, oh… actually, I’ve been pissed off at my eldest son for ages.
He knew he was no match for his son, so he abdicated. Two months later, Li Shimin cried, sucked his dad’s nipples, and became the next emperor.
Li Shimin was…
Ahem, Li Shimin was…
How should I put this?
If you’ve been reading this series, you’ve seen enough historical figures by now. Some of them were good at combat. Or warfare. Or politics. Or governing. But have you seen anyone who excelled at everything? Li Shimin was like that. Okay, I’ve got it. Li Shimin was an alien in disguise. This is the only possible explanation.
When he was 16, he saved the Sui emperor from hundreds of thousands of Turkic troops with a Jedi mind trick. At the Battle of Hulao, he beat 100,000 men with 3,500 vanguards. There was no meteor shower. There was no self-defeat from miscommunication. He beat them fair and square with fantastic micro.
After he became emperor, he beat all the barbarian tribes surrounding China. Then he accepted their surrender and said, intelligent species should not fight one another. He treated them as equals. Allowed them to keep their tribal customs. The chieftains of the barbarian tribes gave him a title. The Khan of Khans. The Khan of Heaven.
He asked his ministers every day to recalibrate his behavior. Am I doing this right? What would a good human ruler do? Once, he wanted to build a new palace. A minister scolded, you’re even worse than the Sui emperor. Li Shimin replied, thank you for the data point. He then rewarded the minister with several hundred bolts of silk.
One year, China was struck by a locust plague. Li Shimin went to check the crops. He picked up a locust. Studied it. He then said, humans consume grain. You also consume grain. You are harming them. He held it up. His attendants shouted, eating insects will make you sick! Li Shimin looked at them blankly and said, I am transferring the plague elsewhere. Then he chewed and swallowed. Strangely, the locust plague did not spread that year.
Another time, he ran a behavioral experiment on humans. He told 390 death row prisoners, you may go home now. Celebrate the New Year with your families. Then come back to die. The next year, all 390 prisoners came back. He then pardoned them all. Maybe the prisoners were smart enough to know that playing along was their best shot at survival.
Twenty years later, the alien swallowed a mysterious capsule and teleported back to his home planet. What will become of Earth?