I want to say something actually controversial this time. No jabbing at easy targets. No stupid satire. I hate mayonnaise. I. Hate. Mayonnaise.
So last night I ordered a McSpicy for dinner. I opened the box, removed the top bun, and behold: a thick layer of mayo on the otherwise beautiful crispy fried chicken patty. Like the devil jizzed on it. So I did what I always do. I took a piece of tissue paper and started cleaning it off. And you can’t really get it off. The best you can do is turn the thick layer into a thinner layer and spread it evenly. Then the tissue tears, and now there’s tissue and mayo on my chicken. Why. Why do I live like this.
Yes, you can order the burger without mayo. And no, don’t do it. Any special order means you’ll get your food 20 minutes later. Once I asked for no mayo, they gave me mayo but no lettuce. I haven’t customized an order since. Maybe it’s the branch near my house. Maybe I should move house.
I actually didn’t know what mayo was made of until recently. Turns out it’s just raw egg yolk and oil. Which genius mixes them together and calls it food? And why is it sour? It’s like a worse version of cream.
By the way I hate cream too. When I was young I used to love cake. One day my mom bought us cakes with little pandas made of cream on top. The cream that day wasn’t very fresh. I bit into the cake and started feeling dizzy. Then I asked my younger brother, do you feel it too. That asshole opened his mouth wide and chewed the cream panda next to my face. I vomited. I haven’t touched cream since. I don’t even eat cake anymore. I have a normal relationship with my brother otherwise.
20 years ago, I was waiting in line at Subway. The girl in front of me ordered a meatball sub. The staff asked her, what sauce do you want. She said mayonnaise. The staff asked, what else. She said mayonnaise, just mayonnaise. The staff asked, do you want any veggies. She said no. I was so shocked after seeing the meatball mayonnaise sandwich that I had to leave the queue. I walked outside to take a deep breath and went to eat something else. I still remember that sandwich, 20+ years later.
My friend Chuyeow once told me his favorite food is mentaiko and strongly recommended that I try it. Everything told me I should trust him. He usually has good taste. I’m a sucker for fish roe. Mentaiko even looked appetizing in photos. So the next time I went to Don Don Donki, I bought a mentaiko onigiri. The filling is mayonnaise with fish roe. Ugh. Why do people want to ruin fish roe? I haven’t spoken to Chuyeow since (because we’ve both been busy). But next time I see him, I will ask him how he’s doing, how old his son is now, and then give him a look of disapproval.
Anyway. I really, really, utterly, absolutely hate mayonnaise. That’s what I wanted to say.